Leaders are...Xtravagantly Gracious.

How can damaged relationships be restored?
 
Extravagant grace—like the powerful grace God showed us when He forgave us in Christ.

Working definition of this leadership concept:
One of the most impactful ways to be extravagantly gracious is to be forgiving.
Forgiveness involves giving up the right to make someone pay for wronging us, and trusting God with the suffering that wrong causes us… and doing this again and again if necessary.
Forgiveness is one of our Christian superpowers—God provides His supernatural power to work in and through us to forgive, and as we choose to forgive, that power is released and reconciliation becomes possible.
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Benefits for leaders who are “xtravagantly gracious”:
1. Forgiveness provides a path back to relationship after one person wrongs another. It means that a break in relationship does not have to mean an end to relationship. Because there is forgiveness…there is hope.
2. Leaders who are extravagantly gracious by generously forgiving others are also extravagantly gracious to themselves, setting themselves free from the binding cords of bitterness.
3. A friend highlighted that it is powerful for leaders to be extravagantly gracious to themselves, as leaders will themselves face challenges and make wrong choices along the way.

Benefits for the community with “xtravagantly gracious” leaders:
1. When leaders are forgiving it helps foster a gracious atmosphere where people can relax and risk.
2. Leaders who are extravagantly gracious are more likely to be able to restore team members to the team after a break in relationship.
 
Biblical inspiration and support:
The command to forgive is embedded in the Lord’s prayer which Jesus taught his disciples to pray:
“9 Pray then like this:
                        “Our Father in heaven,
                        hallowed be your name.
            10          Your kingdom come,
                        your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
            11          Give us this day our daily bread,
            12          and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
            13          And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:9–15, ESV, emphasis mine)
Forgiving others, like receiving God’s forgiveness, is central to the Christian life.
 
In his writings, Paul sometimes used an interesting Greek word for forgiveness[1] which has its root in the word χαρις meaning gracious. It seems that forgiveness is an expression of the grace Christians are to have as they interact with one another. (This is why I named this post “Xtravagantly Gracious.”) This is the word Paul uses in Colossians 3:12-13 (see bold):
 
“12      So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;
  13      bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.”
(Colossians 3:12–13, NASB95, emphasis mine)
 
Taking this passage as a whole, we see that as we are secure in our relationship with God, and secure in our identity as chosen, holy and loved people we are to assume a posture of compassion, kindness, humility and patience. How might this look? Well, it will manifest itself in the way we bear with one another. The term “bear with” makes me think that it may not be easy for us to be kind and patient with each other all the time, that there will be some moments when it will feel difficult or burdensome to treat each other with kindness and compassion.
 
And we are to forgive if we have a complaint against someone. As we finish our days do we ever find we have a complaint about anyone? As we struggle to accomplish our goals and agendas and someone’s actions get in the way, do we ever have a grievance against anyone? Paul helpfully instructs that if this happens—I might say when this happens—God has provided us a way forward. Forgiveness. We are able to forgive each other. In fact, we are commanded to forgive each other. As God has forgiven us on the basis of Christ’s work, so we are to forgive others. Paul says something similar in Ephesians:
           
“32Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32, NASB95, emphasis mine)
 
It’s interesting to note that again forgiveness is tied to kindness, compassion and tender-heartedness. From my experience it seems apparent that failure to forgive results in bitterness and hard-heartedness. So, it takes a tender heart to be forgiving, but it also takes forgiveness to keep a tender heart.
 
Both of the above passages quickly link forgiving one another to how God has forgiven us through the work of Jesus Christ. I wonder if that is not only to point out that we are to follow Christ and walk out our lives following His pattern, but if it also alludes to the fact that because we are forgiven people, we are able to forgive. Saying it another way, through the transforming work of God, who has poured out His Spirit on us, we are now forgiving people. What we once were has passed away (2 Corinthians 5:17) and now, as adopted children (Ephesians 1:5), holy and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12,) we are able and willing to forgive, like our Heavenly Father. In his commentary on Colossians, Scott McKnight proposes that showing each other the grace that God, in Christ, had shown us was a mark of the early Christian church.[2]
 
[1] McKnight, Scott. 2018. The Letter to the Colossians. Grand Rapids, MI: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Co, 323.

[2] McKnight, Scott. 2018. The Letter to the Colossians. Grand Rapids, MI: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Co, 323.

Illustration/Example:
I am really growing in my understanding of forgiveness this season. I now realize that in the past often what I called forgiving was really making up excuses for people in my head like, “they didn’t know better,“ or “they were not capable,” etc. Someone recently showed me that is not forgiveness. Creating an alternative narrative in my head to explain away wrongdoing is not forgiveness. I believe forgiveness is able to look directly at the wrong and still let it go. I believe this is only possible as we let it go to God and trust Him with the other person, the situation and ourselves. I think the biblical evidence shows that Christians are commanded to forgive, and therefore, by God’s grace, are able to forgive.
 
Recently while I was watching the first movie in The Lord of the Rings trilogy (which is based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s novel of the same name), I noticed an interaction between Arwin, an elf, and Aragorn, the man she loved. In this fantasy world Arwin has a special necklace that holds the power of her immortal life as an elf. As she and Aragorn prepare to part ways and proceed into dangerous situations, Arwin takes off her necklace to give to Aragorn. He resists, because it represents her giving up so much. She responds that the necklace is hers to give and she gives it to him.
 
As I watched that scene my mind wandered to forgiveness. I had the sense that forgiveness is both valuable and costly, like Arwin’s necklace. Jesus’ death on the cross shows us that. And like Arwin’s necklace was hers to choose to give, forgiveness is ours to give.
 
I am starting to think that, in order to forgive, I have to accept the cost of the other person’s wrongdoing I now have to bear, even though it is not fair and ought not to be so. To forgive, I no longer work to make the offending party “pay.” I voluntarily refuse my right to payment and accept the consequences. I think I can only do this as I turn to God and He bears it with me, for me, through me somehow. But, in this way, forgiveness is a way forward in Christ. I no longer need to wait on the other person to do anything. I have let go of requiring them to do anything before I choose to forgive them and I am able to move past the offense. Although costly, this is freeing… and really the only way open to us because to refuse to forgive is to trap ourselves in bitterness.
 
Important
Whenever I attempt to speak about forgiveness, I try to communicate that forgiveness does not mean staying in an abusive situation. If someone is harming you, you should get safely away from them and seek help immediately. If you witness or are made aware of harm being done, you have an obligation to speak and to protect vulnerable people.
 
Forgiveness does not mean that we prevent those who have done wrong from experiencing the consequences of sinful behavior. We can only forgive what is owed us, we cannot forgive what is owed others.
 
I do not think that forgiveness means that trust has been restored, I think that in Christ the restoration of trust is possible but is a process that both parties need to engage in.
 
This blog post only begins to explore the huge issue of forgiveness and I am in process as I seek to understand biblical forgiveness myself. Please enter a comment below or email me to continue the conversation so we can all grow together [email protected].
 
Practical applications 
Reflect on God’s forgiveness.
These passages all bring us back to God’s forgiveness of us through Christ. Consider taking some time to reflect on how God has forgiven you. Psalm 32 or Colossians 2:13-15 may be helpful in your reflections as well.
 
Forgive someone you have a complaint against.
I know, I know, easier said than done… but I believe these passages declare forgiveness among Christians is possible and even expected. Consider starting with a prayer for grace, after all forgiveness is closely associated with grace. I’m not a forgiveness expert, but if you are struggling I know there are experienced pastors and counselors who would welcome the opportunity to walk alongside you. Forgiving sets our hearts free to be tender and compassionate. It’s worth the investment of time and energy to seek out support and help.
 
A final word:
Leaders can forgive through Christ.

Comment: 
How have you seen forgiveness restore relationships?